Processing Trauma

Very little of what I’ve written about constitutes trauma. Betrayal and shattered world views are a different beast altogether. But I want to take a moment to talk about what the flood is like.

I first noticed it doing EDMR some months ago. There was this physical stuff going on as my mental state ramped up. I left the session feeling frustrated, but sick. The next thing I knew, I was throwing up at my physiotherapists office. It came out of nowhere.

I hadn’t come down from the flood and my body reacted violently.

It’s going to get gross from here.

Processing trauma is exactly like that post vomit moment. You’re shaking, sweating, there’s an ocean of saliva flowing out your mouth, your nose is running, there’s probably more on the way, and as an added bonus, you might even shit your pants the next wave. And you’re on your knees.

That moment is the psychic equivalent of me processing trauma. It’s not physical, except when it makes me puke.

But that flooding and loss of control is definitely how it works for me. Sorry for the bathroom talk.

The trauma needs to be processed, and I do have to go through this to get to the other side of the river I’m attempting to get across. It’s bringing back a memory of when I did CBT ten years ago. I remember getting violently ill talking about what happened in Afghanistan. I understand now that I hadn’t properly processed my past. My therapist back then, she saved my life, no doubt about it, but I was left with so many other holes that weren’t ever addressed.

That wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t entirely honest with her about all of the trauma in my life. And that wasn’t my fault, I honestly couldn’t even see it, I was so scared.