Stigma I guess

So in the Canadian armed forces, you don’t want to get caught with mental health problems. I was taught it, I lived it, I experienced it. And it’s true.

On returning from my first tour in 2006, I reported for a mental health check up a few months later. I went with my peers, the ones I deployed with. One of the guys who had the most seniority of us made sure we knew what this meant. He told us that if you get caught having mental health problems, that was it. End of career, no more deployments. End of job.

It’s easy to see today that taking care of my health was way more important than keeping that job. But my state of mind was that I really needed that job. Further to that, I had endured more than most people could just to get to where I was. I felt desperate and in my mind, the mental health system became something you don’t want to mess with.

And it sunk in as it was reinforced. I watched other soldiers being let go, totally disappearing from the regiment never to be seen again over mental health. Nobody talked about it. I remember trying to talk to my peers years later after I started getting help, and it was very very taboo.

I started not being able to perform my duties because the medical system said that it was unhealthy for me to continue, and I was othered by everyone for it. One day my boss called me out in front of the other troops because someone with an ankle injury had ‘really come through when we needed everyone’. Hard pause while everyone looks at me.

So, first lesson, avoid the mental health system.

Second lesson, you were right to avoid the mental health system.

Long story short, I spoke up, asked for help. They fired me, and I disappeared from the regiment, never to be seen again.

My peers where right. They should have had a different message for a junior guy just getting back from his first deployment. But the culture wouldn’t allow that.